Friday, December 12, 2008

Strange days

The stress continues here. The millions of phone calls to get started in Denmark continue. Everything here is so interdependent and automated. It's probably great for when you are already living here but, for us, nothing seems easy. I must have heard variations of the sentence "let me just look up your information from your previous county...". I am impressed with how much they know about me, though. In America, it seems like you can wait for hours while asking about some service, like cable or internet. You tell different people your number, alway having to start over. I was calling a bank the other day and the computer asked me to type in my social security number while I waited for the operator. Two minutes later, the conversation was over and the lady told me that she would send the cards out the same day. Didn't she want my address, I wondered? She had gotten that off my social security number! She even knew I was a doctor. I guess that means no more spelling my street address every time I call anyone.

We are slowly getting settleb. But, boy, do I miss the kids. I tear up several times a day, thinking about something they may say or do. Daughter is coming for a brief visit in less than two months. I am counting the days already. There is a bit of tension between the Girl and me. It can all be boiled down to the fact that I am a hundred times less excited about being here than her. I keep thinking about the first time she asked me about moving to Denmark. "Can't we go there?", she asked. We were trying to fgure out where to go with our careers, both having dropped out of residency. I could have said "No, I can't live that far away from the kids" and it would not have been a topic. A year later, they are pictures on the wall, their inanimate eyes looking at me. I miss them so much I can't bear to think about it.

We were not sure what to do back then. The Girl just had her intern year and I had my internal medicine residency. It would have been impossible for both of us to do what we wanted and stay together. Looking back, I wonder if I should have dropped my own specialty ambitions and let the Girl do her surgical residency. I would not have been 100% happy working in small ERs for the rest of my life but I would have been 95% happy and I would have been closer to the kids.

Well, what's done is done. There are so many things to be excited about and, let's not forget, Daughter is coming to live here, starting this summer. The Girl and I signed up for some races this summer, most importantly the Trans Alpine Race, which sounds insanely cool. The format of runners having to run in pairs makes the race a little less of a peak race for me, as I will be running the whole thing with the Girl. On the other hand, I will be helping her and, probably, push her a lot of the way. We will have to practice running like that.

We also have a cool, new apartment. I am starting a great job. I am currently running injury free. There are several smaller races coming up, including a marathon in 4 weeks. Life is good, if not for that piece of my heart I left behind in Wisconsin.


S.A. said...

Honestly, there would be something wrong with you if you weren't sad. :) You guys seem to be trying your very best to make a go of it, but the fact of the matter is that you have children with another women, that you left behind. The Bois is with you, and her, so no problem there for her. Divorce is so rough, sometimes it can be avoided, but it is never easy, when there are kids involved. I think it is important to acknowledge that. Good luck to you all.

S.A. said...

Cannot. CANNOT be avoided, it what I meant to type!

olga said...

My ex spent 1 hr with Stephen yesterday, what is rare and in-between unless I am out of town and ask him to (summer was a lot) - and then sent me email with pictures of their fun titled "I miss him already, leave him with me". broke my heart. But at the same time, I wish he had talked about his feelings more, and may be I can help him have some peace with us leaving. And I wish he had expressed interest to spend more time with Stephen without my asking when I need free weekend, because I don't see him wanting it that bad, and neither does Stephen. And I wish he hasn't sent me occasional emails saying he'll be out of city/state/country now that he is a free man - doesn't seem to be concerned to be away from his son when it's on his terms, only when it's on mine.
I am just rambling.
I don't know what else to say.
It's all very very hard. My sister got divorced and moved, and her son visited his dad twice a year. Not much connection there was.
Was it bad? I don't know. I never will.
Is it going to be easier? I don't know either. It's harsh, but I'll say it: eventually you will make do, once you pass the sharp phase. I did with my older son leaving (and only have heartaches when see him or check up on his web), and my sister survived her son's death somehow (and we thoguht she never would).
But you may not. And in this case you'll just pack your family and come back.
Neither one of those are the end of the world. Although both seem to be.
And I know exactly how you feel, so I can speak.

runningdad said...

I can't imagine being separated from my kids, and I am excited for you to have your daughter visit you this spring. I imagine the anticipation will only get more intense as the day approaches.

As excited as you are for daughter to move over there with you, remember the twists, turns, and bumps in the road you are experiencing now will only be magnified for a small child. She may be excited for a visit in the spring, and even more excited about the idea of moving there in the summer, but to her they are still just shadows of ideas. As a child, she no doubt has romanticized what life will be like with you in the old country.

I don't know what her relationship is with her mother, but I imagine that separating mother and daughter will be very difficult for daughter, not to mention mother experiencing much of what you are right now. This will no doubt be difficult for the girl, as well as for you.

Alas, I ramble. I wish you all the best as your life develops in this new phase. A world of possiblities awaits you, the girl, and the bois, and bringing daughter and son to you to explore their roots will reap untold rewards for them and for you.

And don't forget, you can always come back.

Danni said...

I agree -- you can always come back. I can't imagine how tough it would be to leave children behind and move so far away -- but you are also creating neat opportunities for them. Will your son be visiting?

You have a lot going on having just made a huge move so no doubt the stress is compounded.

johny said...

I am just rambling.
I don't know what else to say.
It's all very very hard. My sister got divorced and moved, and her son visited his dad twice a year. Not much connection there was.
Was it bad? I don't know. I never will.